The Māori KETO-nic

Diet Coke, Cadbury Pinky Bars and Cigarettes

To tell the truth I don't even know if or when I was skinny or fat, I was blind to myself in my twenties and thirties.  They call it body dis-morphia, I call it zero confidence and the inability to see anything but my faults - ever.  How many women do that?  Am I the only one? And where did that mind fuck come from? I smoked, a lot and I didn't give up for years as I was totally addicted and also too scared I'd put on weight.   I know that was ridiculous, now, in the cold light of many years passing.  (It's funny how I can't actually remember that addiction except once in a while, when I smell a cigarette and get over the initial nausea, a weird craving gives me a little shake.  I'm like, what the hell was that?)  Its been nineteen years since my last Benson and Hedges.  I gave up smoking three cigarettes into a pack.  I wonder if I still have it hanging around somewhere.  I save stupid things like that.  
My kids remember Benson and Hedges, Paua Shell ashtrays (which are actually totally useless as ashtrays) and pinky bar wrappers, strewn about the place. I remember being totally oblivious to it and getting through the days - with an almost suffocating desperation - one at a time.  Something was really wrong but I had no clue what it was.  I had mood swings you could spin a cat on, anxiety, debilitating fear and then periods of crazy highs when I was feverishly enthusiastic about everything.  I thought up massive projects and had enormous dreams.  These were the times I could work all day at Internal Affairs, Records Section, delivering files to various Government departments and sit up all night writing stories in bed, tapping away on an massive  cast iron imperial typewriter, which would crush my legs while having to continually untangle the letters when I typed too fast...my poor husband Calvin trying to sleep with the tap, tap, tap, tap *curse...untangle* tap, tap, tap...