The yo-yo

I am 56 right now.  When I was 26, my son Nathan was 6 and my mother was 46.  Back then I could not fathom being 36 or 46 and never 56.  That was an unthinkable age and I would be old, wrinkly and I  may as well be dead. I clearly remember thinking that.  All I can say now is "I was an idiot" and things haven't really changed.


Extreme

I got my period when I was eight.  That is more usual nowadays, but back then no one did, until they were around 13 or 14.  It was a nightmare at Primary School and Mrs Jenkins, the lovely primary school office lady, had to introduce me to sanitary napkins.  They were NOT the tiny, micro-thin, discreet things with wings attached, like now, they were long and thick and looked like mattresses, pinned at each end to an elastic belt.  Not only that but they had to hide in your undies and the fashion was miniskirts.  Really?
It was traumatising to be so different so young.  I felt like a freak; and when the boobs arrived at 10, I felt even freakier. 

The worst thing about looking older than your age is Men staring at you in a way that makes you feel  dirty before you even know what that feeling is.  As if it's your fault that they are perverts.  

At thirteen I looked 16.  At fourteen, I looked 18.  Inside the body that was busting out all over, was a kid who was now in a world full of predators.   Not just old men, but young ones too.  By the way, in my experience, boys lie through their teeth.  They lie to get you to do things to them. Then, if you don't do those things, they lie to their friends and say that you did. I knew some nice boys back then, but honestly, a lot of boys I knew were lying pricks, I hope they grew into decent men. 

Hello Alcohol

No one knew how little self esteem I had.  Probably because at times it was juxtaposed by a sense of arrogance and entitlement of epic proportion. This was insanity  and alcohol. 
 I drank a lot.  I liked myself much better when I was drunk.  I had way more control and I was a funnier and much more acceptable person - which may not have been the truth but that was what I believed. 
I never drank because I liked the taste of alcohol, I hated it,  I drank to get hammered  and I got hammered a lot.
 This started at 14, the first time I got well and truly drunk. It was at a party at Jackson's Farm down coast road in Wainuiomata, with my Mother.  It was, and still is, the best party I have ever been too in my life.  Hay bales around a roaring fire and flagons of beer tucked in behind them to keep em cool.  
I was in love with a guy who was in love with himself and any girl he could get his hands and other bits on; every girl that wasn't me.  So I got drunk that night, because he was canoodling right in front of my face with some random skinny blond girl (this seems to be the story of my life) and I felt like arse in a basket.  Well not for long, I got drunk and  for me, being that, was the best feeling ever.  Better than sex (not that I knew that back then) better than love, better than chocolate. No one tells you that do they.  No one tells you that by imbibing  this magic liquid you will be beautiful, hilarious and clever and all the awkward, ugly stupidity  that you feel hobbled by will dissipate into a cloud of unicorns and golden sunshine.   
No, they don't tell you, so when it happens it feels like a superpower.  I could talk to people without saying the myriad of dumb things that made me sound and look like an idiot...or I still said them but I didn't care.  The only problem with finding out you have a super-power, is that you want to have it all the time.  And that is the slippery slidey ride into custard.
I didn't become a raving alcoholic at 14, that came a bit later, but that set the groundwork for a full on addiction...

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