The Māori KETO-nic

I have done a lot of insane things that I think back on and wonder Why the FUCK did I do that?   
Things like Skiing, white water rafting, black water rafting, abseiling, jumping off cliffs into rivers, hiking up hills, and mountain biking down mountains - why did I do that?   Why did I say I wasn't scared when I was petrified and why the hell was I saying yeah sure when I wanted to scream NO!

In 1985 I had a nice husband, children and a job.  All the things that were supposed to make you happy.  But it wasn't.  I was drowning in misery and it got worse everyday.  There was something missing from inside me, it was as if I'd been cored like an apple.  
I don't think anyone really knew how I was feeling, except for my husband who had no clue how to handle my psychotic mood swings.  Although he did try to be understanding, but it's hard to be kind and loving to someone who is so enraged, she is trying to take your head off with the wooden arm she'd just ripped off the couch, or throw you down the stairs. Luckily for him, and me, he is an expert in Martial Arts, because he had to spend an awful lot of time holding me down so I did not hurt him or myself.  
Self destructive doesn't even begin to describe the state I was in most of the time.   I am lucky I was with a man who wouldn't ever hurt a woman even when she could be violent when anger picked me up and crashed me through the surf like the tide on Muriwai beach.
I tried to talk to my mother about the way I felt and got the standard answer that parents gave at that time in your life, especially when they hadn't been happy about your life choices to begin with which is of course, 'You made your bed now you have to lie in it,' Which is something I have never, ever, ever said to my kids, ever.  As it is total bullshit.  You can up and change your life at any time.  How much misery has been inflicted on how many people because of that ridiculous idiom.
The last straw was when I had to go back to work in 1986.  I hated having to leave my kids.  It was a nightmare.  I was so lucky I had Aunty Bea to take care of them but having them living somewhere else during the week wore me down.  So did the fact that almost every cent I made went on childcare which wasn't expensive by any means, I just made fuck all money doing a stupid menial job.  So why was I having to work in the first place?
 I started really losing my marbles.  I was drinking too much and too often and it was very noticeable because my husband never drank. I began to need to drink just to feel a bit normal. 

I think most people prefer me when I am drunk.  I'm certainly a happier soul, but at the same time I can be totally irresponsible.  Like not going home.  
 I tried not to drink during the week but Friday, Saturday nights spread in both directions to Thursdays, Wednesdays and Tuesdays.  So the only days I wasn't drinking were Sunday and Monday, because they were the days I felt so shit I couldn't do anything.  

What happens to kids when their mother is off her face so much.  I don't know, because I was not present and every day I was becoming less and less present.   I alternated at a great speed between periods of guilt sodden misery and unhappiness where nothing was right in my life and it was everyone elses fault - it wasn't and flying into periods of massive magic Mania. 

 It was like I woke up one morning and I'd lost the rule book for life and never found it again. We have to stop here while I explain that for me a Manic episodes are amazing, thrilling, wonderful and super charged.  When it happens I am fantastically brilliant, focused, and great at every single thing I did.  The problem of course is that these ''spells"  don't last long and they are always followed by periods of depression...